Holy War
by Ferdi-nand
Summary: Dende calls for his followers to take arms..


Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball/Z/GT or any of its characters. FUNimation does. See ya.  
  
'I don't understand, Popo, what have we done wrong?' Dende asks himself as he walks by the pond on Dende's Lookout.  
  
'What do you mean, Dende?' Popo asks.  
  
'Well, all these kids are supposed to worship me. For I am their Guardian, am I not?'  
  
'Well, yes sir, you are their Guardian, but..'  
  
'Exactly Popo! I am their Guardian! I am the Guardian of this entire friggin' planet! It contains some of the most powerful people in the Universe! All those kids should be grateful!'  
  
'Dende, I am sure they are grateful..'  
  
'No they're not! Around this time of the year they always start worshipping some old man who comes from the North Pole to give everyone gifts. The North Pole! I come from another fucking PLANET, for the Suppreme Kai's sake! Yet who do those brats worship!? Tell me! Tell me!'  
  
'You, sir..'  
  
'You LIE! They worship HIM! I've had enough! That old man is going DOWN!'  
  
'Please, Dende, you're scaring me..'  
  
'Do you mean you FEAR me, Mister POPO???'  
  
'Yes, sir..'  
  
'GOOD! For FEAR means RESPECT, doesn't it?'  
  
'Yes, it does..'  
  
'So.. do you RESPECT me, Mister POPO???'  
  
'Yes, sir, I do, sir..'  
  
'GOOD! Now I need to SPEAK to my PLANET! Let me be!'  
  
Popo retreated into the corridors of the palace, while Dende walked towards the edge of the Lookout. There, he spoke with a voice loud enough to be heard clearly all over the world.  
  
'People of Earth! This is your Guardian speaking! The time to turn the tide is here!'  
  
As Earth fell silent, Dende continued.  
  
'Every year, at the end of December, an old man shows up to give presents to the children, RIGHT??'  
  
The people of Earth nodded, most of them with smiles on their faces, for they very well remembered the old man and the gifts he had presented them when they were young.  
  
'Get those smiles of your faces, you miserable pieces of SHIT! I AM NOT FOOLING AROUND, I AM YOUR GUARDIAN!'  
  
The people of Earth got the smiles of their faces, for the Guardian was not fooling around, for he was their Guardian.  
  
'I am serious, okay?'  
  
'Okay' sounded all over the world, often accompanied by an agreeing nod.  
  
'Okay.. so, like I said before, the time has come to turn the tide!'  
  
The people of Earth were interested.  
  
'I have decided that I shall no longer tolerate any divine being but me on the surface of this planet, do y'all read me??'  
  
Once again, a global 'okay' was to be heard.  
  
'Do you know what that means??'  
  
An eerie silence. For the People of Earth did not know what the Guardian had meant.  
  
'GET RID OF SANTA CLAUS!!!'  
  
An eerie silence. But, slowly, people started cheering. Other people joined them in their cheering, as did other people, and it went on this way, till the entire world cheered at the words of the Guardian.  
  
'To the North Pole! Destroy Santa! This War is Holy, in the name of your Guardian!'  
  
The people went insane of happiness. Their Guardian had always been with them. They started to wreck shops and Christmas Trees were set alight. For Santa was fake.  
  
Cities burned, as people cheered, Santa-loyalists were kicked to death in public. For Santa was fake. And this War was Holy.  
  
Then, people marched northward, taking down anyone who came in their path. Chiaotzu was hung by an angry mob, for the mob took him to be an Elf. Tienshinhan was lynched, for no reason. Yamcha tried to intervene, but he was shot down by a shepherd with a rifle. And thus it happened, that the People of Earth approached the Gates of Santa's Palace.  
  
'Yes, my People, you are doing the right thing! Enter!'  
  
And the People of Earth entered Santa's palace, and the People of Earth raped and killed all of the Elves. But where was Santa? He had gone into hiding, somewhere. But where?  
  
The People of Earth went insane of anger. Where was Santa? Where was he?  
  
'There he is!' Dende shouted. The People of Earth turned around, and found Santa. They hung him in public.  
  
'No, you fools!' Dende shouted. 'That isn't Santa, that's one of his lookalikes! I meant hím!'  
  
Dende pointed at another old man, and the people once again turned around, and once again they found Santa. They wanted to hang him in public as well. But then Goku intervened.  
  
'Dende!' he shouted, looking pissed. 'Stop this irresponsible behaviour immediately! It is not up to you to decide who is worshipped and who isn't on this world!'  
  
Then, he turned to the People of Earth. 'People of Earth!' he spoke to the People of Earth, 'Don't you see this behaviour is wrong!? Why let anyone tell you what to do! Is that what I have fought for every single time when a villain was trying to destroy your beloved!?'  
  
The People of Earth started to yell at Goku, but then Vegeta appeared. 'Let the man speak!' he shouted.  
  
'Thank you, Vegeta. I am still waiting for an answer! Are the People of Earth man enough to take care of themselves, or do they consist out of zombies!? I refuse to believe the latter! For you are all individuals and proud citizens of this planet! I'm telling you, stop this madness immediately!'  
  
Then, Gohan stepped forward. 'Don't you remember?' he said, 'Don't you remember the gifts Santa got you when you were young? Don't you remember how happy you were when you found out you got a new bike, or a puppy..' Gohan cried. 'I want a puppy!'  
  
Piccolo then showed up.  
  
'Every year, around christmas time, I get a bit depressed,  
  
For I feel very lonely, my emotions remain unexpressed.  
  
I meditate in the mountains, when the cold winter rules,  
  
But then Santa comes, as Rudolph the Reindeer pulls.  
  
Sometimes I cry, of happiness a single tear,  
  
For the moment that I have been waiting for is finally here.  
  
Santa is giving me presents, and I feel great,  
  
And gone is all anger, gone is all hate.  
  
The end.'  
  
Gohan, Goku and Vegeta applauded, for they were amazed by Piccolo's artistic capabilities.  
  
'Now, let us sing for our fallen comrades Tienshinhan, Chiaotzu and Yamcha.' Vegeta said.  
  
'You're dead (2x)  
  
so dead (2x)  
  
I wish you were alive!  
  
But you're not,  
  
You're dead,  
  
But we just cannot forget.  
  
Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, our comrades, who heroically fell,  
  
Our tears of sadness, about our grief we cannot tell.  
  
There is light now, for you, our friends,  
  
Whose lives had such tragic and miserable ends.  
  
The end.'  
  
The Z-fighters were happy now, and they sung more songs. More light than usual shone upon the Earth, for singing made the sun happy. The People of Earth didn't care, however. They hung Santa anyway.  
  
The end 


End file.
